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| so its been a really long time since i've been back here. Tracy reminded me of this thing, sooo i just wanted to rant bc of course i cant do so anywhere else lol. ive been going crazy. like cuh-ray-zeee i'm having crazy dreams and EVERYTHING is a sign. or maybe i'm just crazy and i take as a sign. i really dont know what they mean. or maybe i do but i dont want them to mean what i think they mean. or maybe i'm just thinking too much. idk. all i know is that i dont know anything. the other day i was reading my old journal. OMG I'M SO STUPID rofl. the things i used to write really make me laugh. i think i've always been crazy. ugh i need something different. idk what it is but i'm gonna go and find it. and when that fails. . .i'll let it come to me lolol. maybe all i need is a good vacation from reality. | | |
| my bf4l and i. . .we used to email each other EVERY SINGLE DAY, and thats how we communicated bc we didnt have cellular devices. back in those days i was only allowed to use the internet for an hour, which seemed like a lot to me and im so glad that my parents enforced that rule. in that one hour i would email my bf4l every single detail about my life, chat on AOL, and blog on Xanga. i wud type lyke dis cuz i thot i wuz kewl. but i wasn't. AT ALL. in fact i was pretty lame. aaaand still am but i accept it now lolol. i check up on these emails once in a blue moon but every time i do it always gets to me. its funny how before the 6th grade she was a complete stranger to me. we shared our NPR text book and we were friends. 7th grade, along w anusha we became best friends. and usually at that age people have "best friends" go on to the next grade and find other friends. NAAAAH. we were in the same class 3 yrs straight. aaaaaall of our junior high classes. and i love that we're still friends and even though we didnt go to high school together we still got to hang, talk, and do things best friends do. sometimes when i read these emails i think to myself, how the f*** would i have survived if she wasn't present?! im just so thankful for being so blessed. bc God surrounded me w good people and i am 20 now. i can honestly say i have ALWAYS been surrounded by good people. people come and go, friends leave or do something stupid and mess it all up. but i can put my hands on fire for this girl bc i know for a fact she'd never hurt me. | | |
| times like these where i wish i can call someone. just to talk to. holds hands with. cuddle and do nothing but enjoy each others company. but i know im better off alone. | | |
| i want a boy who is charming, someone w swagg, someone funny but knows when to be serious
someone who can make me smile at my worst, a boy who won't burst my bubble, he'll accept me for me- my corny, bad jokes, wild imagination, random dancing self. he'll be honest w me, open w me. he wont judge me.
i want a boy who is intelligent and street smart, someone w rhythm, we'll randomly slow dance, lay on the grass and play the cloud game. watch movies and pig out, go to picnics and be spontaneous. i want a boy who gets along w my family, who can have a good conversation w my momma, laugh w my pops, and hang w my brother.
i want a boy who is artistic in some kind of way. write me poems, paint me a beautiful landscape, teach me a choreo, build me something, write a song, or play an instrument. i want someone who is athletic, challenge me to a game of ball, soccer, volleyball. i want someone who is courteous and well mannered. someone who will treat other the way he would like to be treated. i want a boy who is hard working, knows how to spend money and save money. i want someone who will take me to museums and tell me what they think of a piece. i want a boy who will play w my hair, he won't be embarrassed to hug me in public, and he'll kiss me when i least expect it.
its nice to dream. | | |
| havent been here in a while
i love tumblr but i rather not post stuff i dont really wanna share
anywho today was interesting. i got what i wanted, ive been asking for this almost every morning and idk why
i asked if He can cross our paths, even if its just from afar i just wanted to see what you look like
possibly hear how you sound. what youre up to, how youre doing and what not
and its never happen. . . until today. my imagination had a feeling youd be there, but i didnt think itd happen. and there you were
gawd, and boy was it awkward.
and now idk what to do. see, just bc OUT OF COURTESY i spoke to you, and we talked, and laughed, and all that jazz Does Not mean we are friends.
bc i want nothing to do w you. i know this happened such a long time ago but you dont understand the damage youve done.
everyday i questioned myself, what did i do wrong. i go through everything i could possibly think of and blame myself for it. i compared myself to her and asked whats wrong w me? i went through hell and back. its hard for me to trust people bc of you. i mustve died 100 times
but each time i resurrected i came back stronger. i just wasnt going to have it anymore. and now im fine wo you.
this might sound horrible and rotten but i Saw the way you looked at me. you didnt have to say a word for me to know how much you still love me. well you know what? you shouldve appreciated what you had Right In Front Of You. but no words, your 'charm' none of it will change how i feel.
wanna know something else? i dont love you nor do i hate you. and thats worse than actually hating you. bc feeling anything towards you would mean that i am giving you my time and energy. But you dont deserve that either.
today was good for me. bc i Know now that i am completely fine without you.
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